The Jolly Roger

GIMME FUEL GIMME FIRE GIMME THAT WHICH I DESIRE!!

2010-03-22T19:00:00.001-05:00

A common problem swept under the rug and a very common side effect with PTSD sufferers is adrenaline addiction. For a number of obvious reasons adrenaline has become a daily habit for many of us. We don't shoot it up or smoke it but we go into some overtly dangerous pursuits in search of it. It starts almost as soon as the high of coming home hits rock bottom. Many of us get our first hit buying new toys: cars, trucks, motorcycles, handguns and any other big purchase we have been dreaming about. We get a kick just out of burning money. Then comes the speeding. We burn down highways and blow through red lights, we drive like we did over there. Anything to get that heart rate above normal. Then we start going after the bigger thrills, skydiving is a common progression, that was awesome. Then the really dumb things start, ever been car surfing at 80mph? The ten foot tall and bullet proof ideal is emblazoned in our brains. But just as that Fort Hood car death toll clicker outside the gate rarely makes it over 7 days, we keep trying to find harder and longer ways to keep that adrenaline flowing.

Just like a junkie regular life, slows, it seems boring without danger and adrenaline. We push every limit and law we can find. Eventually illegal activity begins, drunk driving is common place in the ranks of the military, mix in the adrenaline junkie and drunk driving while speeding is prevalent as well. Soon there are dead, drunk, former adrenaline junkies, that are now a permanent fixture of the highway concrete barrier systems.
I digress, simply to me this is just another symptom of PTSD that is unique to the military. We cure fear with more fear. We ram so much adrenaline down our veins in the hopes that the old fears won't bother us any more or we won't be around long enough to care. I am not saying to live life in bubble wrap, I am simply saying be aware of what you are doing and why you are doing it. Skydiving OK, car surfing not so much. There are healthy forms of adrenaline that can be found such as in sanctioned competitions and events, risk mitigated activites like sky diving and white water rafting, but again be aware of why you are doing it, for fun.

Finding your purpose

2010-03-22T08:00:00.000-05:00

Finding your purpose and pursuits after the military or after combat is a challenging endeavor that we all face. While we were deployed our lives were filled with time tables and mental to do lists. We had a purpose in every hour that we were awake and even plotted out when we would sleep. All of these events were mission dictated and we knew that while we closed our eyes that night it would be back to the speed of sound as soon as we woke up the next morning. In the military there is still some of that to a degree. We were responsible for our troops and showing up to the right place right time. We had tasks to accomplish and counsellings to write. We were so busy, such a part of the big machine. Then the time came, our tour was over, our enlistment up and moved out and away.
Coming back from a combat tour, the first month, you don't care you don't even remember your name for the most part. You are too busy reminding yourself what it is to be alive and to smile without that graveyard humor in the room. Sooner or later though, it will settle on you and you will feel as though you have lost the focus and purpose that you once held in combat. You will feel like nothing you do has purpose or really matters, for example how am I helping anyone by doing inventory on a conn-ex for the 10th time. Its really easy to drop into a funk or drink it off at night. You start to dread the army and the chain of command. The chain of command under goes a change from what they were in combat back to being the source of stress rather than combat being the stress source and that just complicates things even more. Attention to detail slips and motivation falls and before you know it, a soldier can find themselves being a shit bag in a heart beat.
Getting out of the military all together has varying effects. Some guys, it is all they have lived for their entire enlistment and the belly flop out into the world and don't even make a wake. Then there are guys like me, who would rather cover myself in honey and pour ants on top, than be a civilian. But for one reason or another it was time to go and now they find themselves, without a job, without a purpose, without support, without guidance. It is an incredibly scary and debilitating place. It is very easy to slip into a funk, you may find you lash out at people, your frustration will be worn on your sleeve and expressed through your knuckles. Its hard, you feel that life is in a way over. I often considered the rocking chair, I sized my life up by what I had accomplished in the army and decided that the rest of this was just filler until I kicked the bucket. I feared that sitting in my rocking chair years later I would look back and question why I left and wish I had done something else. So what do you do when the grass is greener actually turned out to be a grass fire... MOVE.
I have found it to be so critical to continue to move and to learn and strive for self set goals. One of the major issues that guys face when either returning from combat or getting out of the military is the loss of guidance. Its scary when you realize you are in charge. You will wallow, you will get bored, you will get angry, and then you find the funk. The cure is to get moving, start taking on challenges even if they are just with yourself. Push learning into your life, whether its college or skill, doesn't matter as long as the brain is engaged. Create attainable and not so attainable goals for yourself. Leave yourself open for suggestion as well. I found that making a pseudo-bucket list helped, if you are not familiar with a bucket list its where you write down all the things you want to accomplish before you die. For my purposes it was what I will accomplish in the next five years, I have all sorts of things in there. Attainable goals- finish my degree, not so attainable- complete an iron man triathlon, pursuits- to save a life not in a combat zone, personal growth- to not fight when I normally would have. This is all a bunch of self-help junk, but if you actually apply your mind and your time you do some really incredible things. Just getting into the driver's seat of your life is where your first goal should land. College is always a good thing because it gets the mind rolling and ready for more. I have found through my mental list of things I want to do, I am more busy than when I was in the army or a combat zone. I have more simultaneous pursuits than at any other point in my life, sometimes I feel stressed out but I remember what it felt like to be stagnant, and I just keep moving. This has really worked for me, I am sure there are as many ways to overcome this as there are people who are trying. So let us know.... KEEP MOVING.

Whats Been Helping Me Heal?... PT

2010-03-13T07:19:00.000-06:00

   Thats right PT, physical training, exercising in civi speak. The idea is simple, PT is your time, its when you think. Not only is it the time you think buts its the time you can think about hard issues and just pound the pavement or knock out a few more reps to keep everything on an even keel. Now if your like me, you have enough rage bottled up in you that if they could find a way to turn it into electricity it could power a small city for 3 weeks. So one or two more reps ain't gonna cut the mustard. So I have turned to endurance sports and strength training.
   The idea might seem a bit rudimentary in it of itself but there are more benefits than meet the eye here. First if you are a runner or a biker ( the kind that uses their legs to power their 2 wheels, not the ones that carry chains and have "mom" tattooed to their arms), you will get a natural high, this is the endorphins (spelling) pumping through your veins, your natural happy juice. That will help with depression all by itself. It will also get you addicted to running or exercising. Wouldn't that be nice if the way you self medicated was with exercise. Where the real pay dirt is found is in the time left for you to think.
  When I run or bike or lift, I will sometimes think about the things that bother me the most from combat. As they start to take grip over me I will accelerate or lift faster, this allows me to maintain control while thinking about something incredibly difficult. It takes me out of the passenger seat of my worst fears and puts me in the driver's seat. I am in control of the thought process, the emotional response, the physical output I can do what those drugs they tried to give me can not. I will work through the memories and then begin to lessen their impact on me. What I mean by impact is, have you ever had a memory that makes you flinch just by thinking about it? I have alot of those kind of memories and they make me a land mine field of PTSD responses for anyone who talks or lives with me.
   What I am doing in the reworking, is trying to rethink what happened. I don't want to lock up what happened in the big dark tough box in the back of my head to show its ugly self one day. I try to get the dirty laundry and air it out so that its not such a ticking time bomb anymore. By looking at what happened and saying, I did what I could in the moment helps alleviate some of the burden I feel. I can go back and look at the rocket strikes and the fear I had and teach my body not to have the normal response to it anymore.The PT allows me to keep myself in check either by burning legs or by killing my muscles. Now one little run ain't gonna do it, how much can you really consider in 2 miles. I have turned to longer distances and harder workouts because of the healing through PT. There is yet another added bonus to the PT though.
   You remember that you are alive. You realize you are not stagnate, you can rationally say the funk that I am in and have been in will not last forever. The sun in your face or the rain on your head while you run just brings the fact home, you are still alive. As much as some part of you died over there, there is still something very much alive and you need to use it. I recently did my first half-marathon (I am not a runner), I did it just to say I did it and it felt great, not too mention being surrounded in a huge crowd not panicking as usual was awesome too. I am training for a triathlon now, I will suck, probably half drowned, but I will finish and it will be a notch in my belt, something to remind me I am still alive, and who knows what demons I may face down along the way. But being on the couch isn't going to help you, get out there take your time and remember you're still alive and stand ready to kick at least some of your demons to the curb.

Soldier View # 5..... Left at a turning point

2010-03-11T16:20:00.002-06:00

True words that had no business being in a comment to some of the stuff I write and deserved to be up here so others could more readily find it.

I served in the infantry with the First Cav.
My experience with PTSD goes something like this.
At war I had my share (and fill) of combat.
I know how a battle becomes just "me and the guys with me', there is no world beyond that during combat, it is pure survival. I never failed in battles, never received any disciplinary actions, earned higher rank and received the medals that went along with our service at war.When the time came to return home,
I remember thinking so clearly how I would return to life as it was before war.I was excited to go back to my wife, my job, playing softball/shootin pool, having a few beers with old buddies and riding motorcycles in the beautiful country hills that I had dreamed of and missed while at war. I was also excited that I would be able to go to college with government help earned as a soldier, and I could really think for the first time of owning a house. I left war happy and excited for the future.
I was only home a few days when all those dreams started to disintegrate! I was unexpectedly overcome with anxiety that I didn't understand. I felt disconnected from family and old friends by the experience and hauntings of war that they couldn't understand and i couldn't relate to them. My realty was different than theirs, I started withdrawing and isolating myself from them and former activities that I had enjoyed before war. Nightmares came every night, fourth of July firecrackers send me flying out of bed to take cover on the floor before I could control the reaction. Flight for Life Helicopters brought back memories, loud noises startled me uncontrollably and I seemed constantly on alert to dangers even though I was in a very safe suburban neighborhood.
I was given perscription sleeping bills by a doctor that had no affect on nightmares, I woke up right through them drenched in sweat. I began to fear I was loosing my mind. I tried a job and walked off it before the first lunch period and couldn't stay on any others, some insane anxiety wouldn't let me stay or focus on the work/job.
I tried college which had been such a dream while at war but couldn't focus there either. It was a terrible disappointment to fail at school and added more to my sense of losing my mind.
All the students at the university seemed to exist in such happy, carefree lives that I could no longer identify with. I felt I was in a strange place with experiences that only had had witnessed. My marriage failed soon after because
I could no longer communicate with or participate in the marriage as the happy person I had once been. I had changed into a person who I no longer knew myself. I started running from myself in my mind and hiding myself and that mind from the world. The fear of insanity caused me to start drinking and then.......
There is much more but I don't want to bore you guys. PTSD is so very, very real.

If anyone wants to check out PTSD.about.com
you find info on PTSD and can receive a free
weekly update. PTSD is not clearly known so any info must be regarded as how it applies to the individual.

First Tip

2010-03-09T18:21:00.000-06:00

Nightmares, are a common thing. Especially when the wounds are still fresh. Here are the couple of ways I helped deal with them.

First off, is the pre-sleep ritual. No video games, no war movies, nothing super mentally engaging before attempting to go to sleep. Alcohol may knock you out fast but it contributes to nightmares because it prevents deep sleep. I try to wind down before crashing for the night. Best case scenario I will start an hour out, watch a little TV, then go through the night time stuff, brush my teeth then hit the sack and read a book. Then try to sleep.
   If your like me, as soon as you close your eyes and start to sleep, your mind will find its way back to the machine gun fire or being in the army in general. Force yourself awake a few deep breathes and focus on something entirely different, and attempt to sleep again.
   If you do have nightmares, keep a journal bedside. Wake up from it, jam it into the notebook while it is fresh then try to go back to sleep again. When you get up the next morning review the journal. Try to put your finger on what it is that is bugging you based on the running theme of the dream.
   Some get medication, some self-medicate, this is what I found works best for me. The same should probably go for you. If you have over come the nightmares post it up share your view. If you are still working on it, share the dreams. There are common themes in alot of vet nightmares.... Mine is zombies, my guys get killed they turn into zombies and come after me, reflects that, I feel guilty for what happened to them. What do you think yours mean?

Hatred = Ignorance

2010-03-08T15:00:00.000-06:00

Hatred, do you feel it? I never noticed how much I stereo-typed until I got out of the army. Walking the campus now, the realization of what having a particular people from a particular country who followed a particular religion shoot at you for a couple of years will do to how you view people who kind of look like them, will do to your feelings about those look a likes.
   It makes me sick. It goes against everything I stand for and every reason I joined the military in the first place. This is the only country where you can practice any religion you like as long as it doesn't hurt anybody and here I stand in the middle of a place of learning, feeling hate. Not just feeling it burns in my chest like somebody just put their torch out on me. Rage fills my veins when I hear Arabic or Farsi being spoken. I am so angry and mad and ready to fight and its a 5 foot tall AMERICAN girl that is the focus of my hate. How did I become this, how have I fallen so far as to hate the very differences I went over there to protect, what is the real answer?
   The simple truth, someone tries to kill you, anyone that looks like them is a target of anger. Supplemental reasons of why I feel this hate, demonification is nothing new. Demonification is the process of making your enemy sub-human or beyond evil, this makes killing the enemy easier in the mind and more justifiable. The process starts when you first join the military, the pop-up targets are called "Ivans" thats a throw back to the cold war era. When you make it to your first unit, inevitably one of the first questions asked, "You ready to kill some Hadji?" Not people, or the enemy, not another human being or just a bunch of assholes, no its a term that is said with such disgust and hatred, that the true meaning of the term is lost on most American GI's that use it. This hatred is blared into your ear and is kind of funny at first, but then you go downrange. Boom, that first IED hits, buddies are down you're bleeding, true hatred is instilled. When that first event got me, I was ready to kill every first born son of my enemy, I wanted to bathe in the blood of anyone not dressed like me, I was fueled by rage and led by hatred, why? because everything I had been told about "Hadji" was true.
   Now I stand back stateside in the middle of a crowded multicultural university. There are many who look like my old foe, and I must forcibly restrain the 1000 yard glares and the death beams that must shoot out of my eyes while they stand behind their "Get to know Islam booth". Thats when it hits me, they aren't the enemy, I am. They are trying to educate people about their religion and show that they are not like the assholes who blew me up or put holes in my friends. Who am I, to judge? I am a killer, a rough talker, a mean SOB, I like my beer, and I am not afraid to break a man's jaw. The kid behind the booth telling of his religion knows nothing of the things I have done, who am I to say he is the enemy and I hate him. I have committed one of the most ignorant acts a human being can make, I read a book by its cover, I condemned a man to readily available death by my own hands for no reason other than he looks like a guy that shot at me, in a country about 8000 miles from here, a couple of years ago. Its official I am a moron.
   So how do I overcome this? Some of you might be thinking, WHY do I want to overcome this? We will start with a the second thing first, Hatred is the sign of a stupid person. Someone that doesn't fully understand something is more apt to hate it, because his opinion is based on half truths and incorrect information. You are not a stupid person, if you are stop being said stupid person or I may have to boot you in the chest (I am working on how to do that through a computer screen). Back to the how of the matter, again if hatred is due to stupidity then perhaps educating yourself is the key. I have had several conversations now with these kids up on campus that try to educate people about Islam. Now I already know quite a bit about Islam, I liked to know what made my enemy tick so I could use it against them. What I educate myself about now, is the people involved in the religion. This kid telling me about this and that, he seems pretty normal. He isn't spouting off about a jihad and he isn't a threat. There isn't an AK-47 slung to his shoulder and he is actually in one of my anatomy classes. If he were a threat, he isn't much of one, I could snap him like a twig. So now I have found no reason to hate him, just by listening to him speak in the normal american way, he even had a slight Texas draw mixed in with the Arabic accent. I have to revalue my thought process for those I see with the long beards and their heads covered in respect to god. I have to revalue and rethink the way I feel when I hear someone speaking in Arabic, they are usually discussing MTV or last classes' test not convoys and where to shoot an RPG. These kids are no different than the rest of the immigrant nation, everyone has their problem children. So I should not hate the majority for the minority's actions. Is it easy? Hell no, I have to fight everyday but you have to realize that is not normal and is contributing to everything else you feel.

The Burden of Chevrons

2010-03-04T20:40:00.000-06:00

Boss Reed brought something to mind for me, the relationship between PTSD and being a leader. This is a very complicated thing. First off, as a leader you are not supposed to show that you are in fact having trouble, thats typically grounds for losing every responsibility. However, the on the ground leadership tends to be the most affected by the PTSD. Don't see my logic?

Myself as a leader always felt responsible for the mistakes made, which was appropriate. The problem was that I started to take responsibility for things that were vastly out of my control. This would lead to a strange form of survivor's guilt or unscathed guilt. I almost felt as if I had been the one to set the bomb off because I missed it when I was scanning. I felt I had been the one that launched the rocket because I let them go to the gym on a day where the rocket attacks had been light. I have beat myself up day in and day out for every possible thing that could have been considered a mistake. The mass casualty outside the chow hall, had I gotten out there faster that kid wouldn't have died on me. If I wouldn't have missed that EFP, Soko and Ham wouldn't have purple hearts and crazy ass scars. If I hadn't made the request to kick it up to 40mph Mo would still be dancing on both feet. If I had been faster to the gym when it got smoked in the IZ, maybe I could have saved those 2 or been there for Casper. If I could have got Hyunn out of bed faster he wouldn't have had a pound of concrete embedded in him by that rocket. There is a million of them, and no matter how fool-hardy it may be I still feel responsible. Its something I carry with me, its one of the things that has motivated me to make this site.

The strange form of guilt is brutal. I blame myself for a lot of the worst things that happened to us over there and that is one brutal pill to swallow. I worked myself over so bad in Iraq I started sleep walking because it was all that was ever in my mind "You Failed, You Failed, You Failed, You have got to try harder, be smarter, see it, YOU HAVE to SEE It". I worked myself into such a fervor that my brain would never shut off and so I would sleep walk, loading guns or putting on body armor. The amount of pressure I put myself under was incredible, I was so mad at myself for the plethora of mistakes and failures I had worked out in my mind. I would sit on the roof of my truck before mission and force myself to visualize everyone in the convoy dead because I failed. I mentally beat myself into a fury before getting into the truck to roll out on mission... the idea I WILL NOT MISS IT AGAIN burnt into my brain. I started taking risks on my own to ensure others would be ok.... this was the dumbest set of things I did in any combat zone. I started following my gut to where there was trouble. I will leave those stories out.

Have you ever heard of the term burning the candle at both ends, I had thrown the damn thing into a bonfire and called it a day. I can only imagine what impact that experience has had on my psyche now. The feeling of being scared for your life is pretty incredible. The feeling of being responsible for everyone else's lives and the fact that their ability to go home to their families is a direct reflection of your ability to keep them safe, thats not a roller coaster I want to ride again. Just something to chew on let me know what you think.

Soldier View #4 Bursting the Bubble

2010-03-04T13:41:00.004-06:00

This was in response to "so you've been told you got PTSD" but it held to many truths to not be reposted here.

i love how you are so blunt about everything but you are right. i dont know how many times i have sat in my room crying asking myself why me.. why the fuck am i going through all this shit. i mean i'm only 22 years old i shouldn't be afraid to live my life or go explore the world, but i am. or even afraid to go to sleep because not knowing what messed up nightmares i might have. it used to get so bad that i would scratch myself while i was sleeping so bad tell i was bleeding and i would wake up and not know what the hell was going on.. i hated my life.. i hated what i had turned into. people always known me as the bubbly person always smiling and laughing, but that was long gone. i wanted my old life back. but after months and months and months of counceling and talking with my friends and family im finally getting back on track. so there is hope for everyone. and PTSD will only ruin your life if you let it. miss all you guys!!!!

-- Shawna Olson AKA Bubbles---

Soldier View # 3 Check your pride and all other BS at the door

2010-03-04T13:39:00.004-06:00

Pay attention to the links those will be more than helpful

So I have been thinking about this for a week or so now and here it is. When I was in the army there was one way. If a solder was feeling down, depressed, stressed, showed signs of PTSD we all told them to SUCK IT UP, Even I told a lot of Solders that. I look back at it all now and think did I ever push anyone of them over the edge, did I make them lose it, did I fail as a leader. Well I look at it and say yes I did because I was doing what I was taught. PTSD is not something that everyone can learn how to deal with in just a few sessions of training or to deal with in a few counseling sessions.

I never thought I would have PTSD. When I got out of the Army and my great Wife Raylynn stood by my side and tryed and tryed again to pick me up while i slid down hill every time. She pushed me to go to counseling at the VA i did for like 4 sessions and then stopped. My relationship was heading down hill fast and I mean fast. We had a big blow out and she told me that this was the last chance. God knows she gave me a million chances to get help (web sights, phone #, people to go talk to) she pretty much handed it to me on a platter. During our blow up she had brought up again for the 100time about Hope for Heroes ( www.hopeforheroestexas.org ) I called them and set up an appointment and went in and met with my counselor. I came out of the first session feeling OK and went back for more and then again some more. well about 5 months later I'm still going. This crap that the army says 6 free sessions and your good well that's not true for a lot of people. I know for me Manning up and wanting to get better and seeking help (with a lot of help from my Wife) has improved my self and family life. here are some web sights to check outhttp://www.worklifeinstitute.com/ any where in TX you can call 211 and ask for a Vet service rep and they can tell you where to go for help. Any VA clinic or VFW hall in the US can help also and its all free.

I know we all go our separate ways after the army and we might grow apart but no mater what we are all still brothers and sisters and have gone thru things others have not. Yes others might know about it and feel for us. We need to look at them also when we are on the down slide and they can help us out also. I know I turned away from my family shit even my Wife because I thought she had no clue what i was feeling inside, but i drooped my pride at the door one night and listened to her and thank god I did because I owe it to her that i am where I am now. Listen to your loved ones that care about you and the ones that you care about. I cant say thanks enough to WILD MAN for setting this up because I have been trying to think of how to get the ball rolling on this for a long time now.

To everyone reading this I hope it has helped you seeing my point of view and if there is any thing I can help you with give me a shout any time of the day or night 512 496 9221. More to come soon

---- Troy Levandoski---- Big Ski

Soldier View # 2 Never know where you will find trauma

2010-03-04T13:38:00.004-06:00

Another view point

So where do i start. Some who know me may think "what does that radio jockey know about this stuff". I didnt always sit behind a radio and i listened to some awful things over that handmike. I didnt have to be there to remember the voices. I still remember callsigns, i still remeber routes, i still remember squads calling in their situations. I can hear Bear's voice, Raven, Slinky, Reed, and many more. As i sit here now contemplating if i want to do this stupid humanities homework or watch some tv i think about my old life; my Army life. Reading what others have written really makes me put things into perspective. I have these funky dreams here and there. I still see myself looking behind me, watching the car that is too close, the person that is standing on the side of the road with the hood over their head.

I find it hard to relate to people at school that do not have a clue especially when they ask questions. I have been luck to have a very supportive family and wish that everyone i know could benefit from that. However some family members are not as understanding and are quick to give their "2 cents worth" when it isnt wanted or when it is totaly off base.

Things i do to make life liveable. I rarely ever drink anymore and never alone. It doesnt help me so i dont bother. I have a routine, school and gym during the week then work on the weekends. I seek out people that i have a common bond with, especially other veterans. I am sure many people could remember how much i used to bitch, well i dont do much of that anymore. It didnt get me anywhere and it wont dont me any good now. When i encounter something in the civilian world that sucks or is really stupid i always think "this could be alot more screwed up than it is, like Talill screwed up"!! That goes along with what Reed said!

Well, this is the best i could come up with for now. Hopefully it will help someone or benefit someone in some way.

--- Derek Ridings-- Big Guy on the Mike

Soldier View # 1 Price of Leadership

2010-03-04T13:37:00.003-06:00

Whenever you see "Soldier View" as the title, its one of the other contributers adding in. This is where you will find the real pay dirt. These guys have been there done that and made it through the grind, So read up and think as you go.

I still don't know what I want to share or post. This may be a huge and unexpected experience.

What I do know is why I am posting.

1) I care. I care about Soldiers. I especially care about the ones who I can call "my Soldiers."

The first post "idea" begins with the sentence: "On the heels of losing another soldier I served with..." This event has caused me to ask myself over and over, "WHY?" Not some whiny theological, "Why god?, Why did this happen?" I am talking about the caring brother and friend/responsible leader and person, "Why didn't he say something? Why wasn't anyone there?"

Some may disagree, but I firmly believe it wouldn't have happened at Fort Hood, or at least not in our old unit. Today, in retrospect I can tell you that those we considered our weakest leaders, would far outshine what I see elsewhere. We had outstanding Soldiers and leaders who held the bar high. We added a whole new definition to leader involvement. We had a bond shared throughout those 15 months that will last a long time.

Still disagree? After the event on November 5th, at Fort Hood, I received phone calls from Korea, Afghanistan, Iraq, Germany, Florida, Missouri, and a dozen other places checking on "our guys." Keep in mind this was on my personal cell phone. These guys had not lost my number. "Are our guys ok?"

I have had other calls in the middle of the night. Calls from Soldiers who have moved on, and often they are drunk. Sometimes asking for advice or help. I wake up and talk to them for as long as it will take, and when I hang up...I call someone else. Someone that I know I can ask to check on them for me.

How much time did guys like Tega, Raven, and Doc spend helping Willy?

....."Why didn't he say something? Why wasn't anyone there?"

2) I have tremendous respect for the creator of this blog. If my thoughts could help him, then I am more than willing to share. I will be the first to post, if it might inspire others to share.

PTSD

Do I have it? Couldn't tell ya.

I have never really thought about it. So far I have not had a reason to. If I ever begin to think about it, I always know that other guys went through worse. I think of the guys that were in OIF1, 2, and 3. I think of guys who were in the jungle of 'Nam, guys freezing in fox holes on the Chosin Reservoir, and guys storming Normandy. Reality, Perspective, or Avoidance? I don't think about it.

I do know that I have changed.

How hard is it adjusting back into society when we get back? How many times do you say "Fuck" in one sentence?

Social skills are gone. Do you realize for 15 months that I was telling people what to do? I mean to everyone I was in contact with. Soldiers? Yep. Iraqis? Yep. If someone didn't do what you told them, you would tell them loudly or make them do it. There was no other norm for me.

I remember ordering a sandwich on R&R. I was onpost, at the food court, with my wife. We both had the same order, hers without bacon. We were chatting while they prepared our order. I look over and see bacon....uh oh. I tell him almost politely, "scuse me, one of those orders was without bacon." Continue chatting. Look over again....BACON. Head, Shoulders, and Both Arms, Lean Over the Counter, Full Volume, "HEY! DIDN'T I JUST TELL YOU? NO FUCKING BACON!" Good times right?

Same thing at home. I mean come on, why wouldn't your spouse just do everything the way that you want it done right?

My parents and younger sister.

I hardly talk to them anymore. Wasn't always like that. I gave my sister my car for two years when I was in Germany, no strings. We talked often, and were there for each other. Now, I see them like most "civilians," people with petty issues who would never understand. Ever listen to someone without affiliation to the military explain their perspective of the war? Enough to piss you off? What about listening to their worries and issues? "Wow sis! Your job sucks? Your boss is a jerk? The neighbors dogs bark at night?" I just don't relate to them anymore. Any small comment that upsets me or my wife, is an instant reason to further not talk to them.

How many guys did we see piss their family or career away? Ever really think about it? What if these guys were feeling this way about their spouses? No longer relating to them. On the other hand we can talk to each other about anything. One tour, two tours, three... Not too long and we know more about each other than we know about our spouses. Whoa, now one of the guys is a girl. Hmmm.... Do I endorse it? No. Do I relate? No. Can I rationally understand it? Yeah.

How ironic is it that two of the people that I would absolutely want to have with me on any deployment, are also two of the people that I have the most concern for? I absolutely trust them with my life, hands down. I also worry about how things affected these two specifically, and how they are coping.

I drink at home now. I am not saying that I am drowning my sorrows in alcohol. I am telling you that I have not been to a club at all. Over a year and a half. Hello? I am in Korea now and I don't want to go to a club?

What about that first time you drove through the construction zone on I35? Do those cement walls remind you of T-Walls?

You know those the red lights on antennae towers? Ever see them out of the corner of your eye when you take out the trash at night? Do you jerk your head back to make sure they aren't tracer fire?

This weekend I almost Shawn Michaels super-kicked a Korean guy in the park. I am no martial artist, but that was my reaction when he flash popped a bowl of popcorn in his little exploding fucking contraption. Normally, I prepare myself for things like that. Fireworks, loud noises, crowds, even a half dozen kids running around my living room. Just so that I don't lash out like some kind of asshole, for a reason I can't explain: 1) Deep breaths. 2) Withdraw, Sitting there, not listening, or paying attention, watch TV, play on the laptop, do some Zen-Buddhist funky meditative escape inside my mind, whatever works. (I am probably still an asshole, just not the lashing out one) 3) Sometimes actively participate while being withdrawn; like looking out through a tunnel or through someone else's eyes. Is this a practiced art? Do I do it all the time? No, which also explains how I can hardly give an accurate description.

I don't have nightmares that I know of. I remember when did have them. I remember waking up this one morning after I had one. My ICOM was in my hand under my pillow. Did I say something on the radio in my sleep? LOL, Don't tell me.

For awhile I had the same one about the night MO got hit over and over.

Another time I remember a dream that we got hit and I looked down to have a huge hole in my chest.

Another time I dreamed we were going slow through traffic. I look over and see 3 guys getting out of an SUV with weapons and such, clearly intent on hitting us. Somehow noone can hear me. I jump out and light them up, and wake up as a grenade lands next to me.

The worst by far that I remember is dreaming that I was in the CASH. As I get there I know one of my Soldiers was killed. Noone would tell me who. I am sitting there looking across the faces of who was there, trying to figure out who wasn't.

I remember catching one of the guys self-medicating himself just to sleep at night.

I remember having my arm around Sims shoulder, and him shaking for a long time after the DFAC got hit.

I remember listening to the Commander's squad asking the TOC for assistance, and then noticeably calming down when I told them Jack's squad and the squad I was with were both coming. Trust.

I remember listening to Ham in pain, and wondering where in the fuck the bird was.

I remember Mo trying to hide the uncertainty in his eyes, and then the relief and complete trust when I told him he was gonna make it.

I remember how quiet it felt out there. Calmly talking to each other. (there was really a truck burning and rounds cooking off) I actually don't remember doing alot of it, Koukie filled me in on stuff. Sending a FIPR, Surfing the Hood, and Launching before he stopped? Really?

I remember talking to the CAV's 1SG before our 1st mission. They had lost a guy, burned up in a truck, didn't recover anything. He was telling me how he was not looking forward to going home to see that guys wife. How it wasn't really real enough to anyone back home, because they weren't able to bury a body.

I remember thinking they were gone, but I was still going to get them out of that truck. That was all I was thinking.

I remember the wind blowing the smoke away as I run up and they are all "standing" on the side of the road.

I remember feeling guilty. I had just bitched all 18 guys out for playing games with the Green Laser and an Iraqi car. They were all upset about it. The radio silence was thick. Were they not paying attention, because of that?

You ever met a guy who was missing a leg? The first time you meet him he doesn't have a leg. He is just that guy without a leg, no questions. You ever seen a guy who was missing a leg, but 5 minutes ago he was dancing on the hood of his truck? Your mind doesn't believe it. Really you may not understand, but as I sat there looking at him I could see his leg that was no longer there. Its there, no its not, its there, its gone, its there, WTF?!!

I remember the lights going out in the town again, I wonder what is going to happen?

I remember telling the BN that if I left a 10 minute gap between our convoys, then someone would drop an IED between us. Guess what happened? Sorry Rich!

Oh yeah speaking of the BN. Anyone remember what MEDEVAC conditions were in Tallil? Thats right they were RED, but I was told to take the risk. Not to mention that we were also told to break 5 other "rules" that night. MEDEVAC red. No prob. We were no longer running convoys at night, but we did that night. No prob. AC went out in Mo's truck. No prob. We would break our mandated work-sleep ratio. No prob. KBR was supposed to pick up a load, but I had to tell them they didn't have time. No prob. WTF? Oh yeah, everyone was waiting for us. Seriously. 2 convoys had been holed up there waiting to follow us home. Add us into that and you had 5 security teams and 4 KBR crews, a shit ton of people and trucks. Gotta have us back. WAS IT WORTH IT FUCKERS?!!!

Well, I didn't know what would come out when I started this. I'm not sure if it helps anyone else or not. Keep in mind, I freely admit my experiences pale in comparison to some of yours. My intent was to support the creator of this blog, and share in hope that others will feel more comfortable doing so.

---- Bryan Reed--- Boss,... Convoy commander of the millennium.. HAHA

Owning Up

2010-03-04T07:34:00.000-06:00

This is more of a singled out conversation for those with PTSD, everybody else read for your own edification.
One of things I have noticed with a lot of guys who have PTSD or were told that they have it is that they succumb to it. What I mean is that as soon as someone says, "Yea you're pretty messed up" they take that as their lot in life with nothing left to do about it, but feel sorry for themselves. Well, suck it up princess this shit ain't over yet.
When you first get told that you are messed up, its just confirmation to something you already knew. Now it is time to do something about it. First thing you should do, is sit down and write out the things that you know are causing you to wig out a bit. Second thing you should do, is to identify the ways you have been self-medicating, i.e., drinking, driving too fast, fighting, or taking things you aren't supposed to and do away with them altogether. Thats a hard one I know but it will help. Third thing you do, is STOP FEELING SORRY FOR YOURSELF. Drag yourself up by the boot straps and get your ass in gear. You know what is bothering you, assess and start to push for ways to cope. Education is the key, become a sponge absorb any information you can on the subject. Learn from the other guys, from books, from the bullshit the military feeds you. The more you know the more tools you have to face it.
I know that PTSD is difficult, in fact it can consume you. I have no lost respect for guys that have a hard time with it, thats just the nature of the beast, in fact I was one of them. Then my old man, brought the thunder during one of my drunken episodes. He reminded me of who the hell I was and how I had been raised and told me to suck it up. Now I didn't exactly just move on, but I stopped feeling sorry for myself. So now, I am hear echoing his message. You are not a unique and beautiful snowflake, you are not the only one dealing with this, everyone goes through a hard time and this is not the time to sit and pout in your fox hole...Its time to take the f@#$ing hill and kill the bastard in the machine gun nest. Get off your ass and get it in gear because if I have to come through this freaking screen and kick your ass I will. The diagnosis or the self-realization of PTSD is not the end its the beginning its the first bell in a long ass fight and you better bring every gun you got to the table. So man up, take the hand up, and get your ass moving towards dealing and coping with this shit. Not because it will be good for you but because it is the unselfish thing to do, the right thing to do. Don't just give up, not on yourself, your friends, your buddies that went over there with you, your family back home, you have to fight to help them. You need to learn to overcome so that you can teach others and do as I am trying to do now, give a hand up. So shut up about feeling sorry for yourself, get in the stack, and kick PTSD's door in.

The assessment

2010-03-02T11:04:00.000-06:00

   Just how crazy are you? Ever wonder that? I mean to a normal service member our perspective of what is normal is very skewed. Need an example, those of you who think it is perfectly normal to scan a crowd's hands for weapons and their faces for intent to do harm, raise your hand. That's what I thought, just about everybody thats been over there does that sub-consciously, news-flash thats not normal. Still not getting it, OK who feels uncomfortable without some form of a weapon, be it gun, knife, or spork? Hmmm, I think I might be detecting a pattern here. Still not getting it, Who has every hair on their neck pop up and your eyes see red when you hear someone speaking in Arabic? OK, not so many but I bet there are a few, just like me. This is a self-assessment.
   Just sit there and logically think about normal habits you have in every day life that are somehow related back to being over there. For example, I scan overpasses before driving under, fast movement in a crowd attracts my attention, loud pops still make me want to take a knee, I still block for other cars when driving in traffic, I sleep hard but the slightest out of place noise and I am on my feet, I feel uncomfortable without my knife, I still walk with my fingers curled, don't ever smack me on the back our you will pull back a nub, I have nightmares sometimes about zombies (hope I am alone on that one), I can't sit in a restaurant without facing the door, and weirdest of all I think about where I would head if an active shooter started on campus as I walk across it. All of these are definitely not normal and are all rooted in my experience with what happened over there. So at this point you might be thinking, ok so what suck it up princess. Here is why these habits are important to notice and revalue.
   Warning- Science Content:
   Do to these habits and reactions your body will react sympathetically. That is that it releases adrenaline and cortisol. These two things even though released by the body are actually really hard on it. They are called Stress Chemicals. Now your body when you are sitting there being fat and lazy is in a state called rest and digest or para-sympathetic system, think of this as the brake on a car. When you have a PTSD reaction you hit the accelerator on the car or switch to fight or flight (sympathetic nervous system). So running with pedal to the medal in a car everywhere you go, braking hard, and generally burning some rubber is going to wear your car down, so does running in over-drive wear down your body. In fact, I have been told (not sure how true this is) that these Stress Chemicals can actually shorten your life span and kill you in later years due to heart attacks and strokes.
   So how do you fix it or at least lighten the load on the body? Reassess the habits. You have to make a conscious and dedicated effort to revalue the reactions. Give yourself the one second rule. For example, you hear a loud pop or bang, give yourself a mental 1-1000 to find the sound and verify that you are in fact safe and then carry on. This 1-1000 method works for just about all of the reactions. Another example, someone smacks you on the shoulder, during the 1-1000 time consider, who is this? why is their hand on my shoulder? Is this a threat or just an idiot? This isn't my significant other trying to tell me to take out the trash is it? Then react. 1-1000 is plenty of time to crunch the thought process to decide how to react. At first it will be very difficult but it will get better and smoother with time.
   Another part of the revaluing is to truly revaluing the reactions. For example, the scanning of the over passes as I drive under them. This was an essential and good habit while in Iraq. It has since lost its usefulness and just causes stress. So instead of scanning the over pass and being like, all clear, in my head I should revalue that as stop that, dumb-ass there is no reason to scan that over-pass and it is a negative response to old habits. Eventually you will get better about not doing it and it will bother you less.
   As an added bonus to doing without the stress chemicals, you will actually begin to remove yourself from the mind-set that allows the deeper and more troubling reactions and memories to come in so fluidly. Give this a shot. If you have found other ways of doing something similar, speak up. Give a shout on the Facebook group or leave a comment here.

Where to start?

2010-02-24T19:40:00.001-06:00

As with anything a definition is usually a good place to start. For our purposes, PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder) is where we begin. What is it? Does everyone fit into the cookie cutter definition? So lets get cracking.

[Posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD) is an emotional illness that usually develops as a result of a terribly frightening, life-threatening, or otherwise highly unsafe experience. PTSD sufferers re-experience the traumatic event or events in some way, tend to avoid places, people, or other things that remind them of the event (avoidance), and are exquisitely sensitive to normal life experiences (hyperarousal). Although this condition has likely existed since human beings have endured trauma, PTSD has only been recognized as a formal diagnosis since 1980.]

Its Gone By Many Names:

So there is the definition, thanks to Webster's dictionary. I am sure some of it fits but not all of it will. I find the part about it only being recognized formally since 1980, the most interesting. In the civil war era it was called "Soldier's Heart", in the WWI era it was called "combat fatigue", WWII era, "shell shock", Vietnam era "gross stress reaction" or "post-vietnam syndrome". Strangely all these terms and even the PTSD definition still only refer to one part of what I see to be a 2 part thing. Part 1 is pain and suffering part, the named portion for our purposes. The second part is the anger, the killer instinct part.

The common idea:

The pain and suffering portion of the PTSD illness is something brought on by those terribly frightening, life-threatening events. It causes adrenaline fueled panics, I would get those when dump trucks would drive over an over-pass as I drove under... anyone that lived through a car bomb I bet you do too. This is the part that causes the nightmares and some of the harder things like the depression and anxiety. Most people tend to focus on this. Most of us assume that we are ok as long as we don't feel any of these types of things.

Hulk Smash!!:

The anger portion is even more dangerous than the first. This is the part that when walking into a crowded room, you decide who to take out first and what the best exit is. This is the part that makes you froth at the mouth and cuss so hard it would make any sailor blush while you sit in traffic. This is the part that sends your blood pressure through the roof and makes you relatively unstable. This is the part that no one pays any attention too, but it makes the sufferer of this kind a ticking time bomb. It is just as important to address this as it is to address the first.

Not just a one serving kind of thing:

Another significant idea that must be shared is that what most service members experience is not PTSD, it is C-PTSD. The C is for constant. I have also seen it as P-PTSD or prolonged post traumatic stress. This is kind of a simple idea when you think about it. If you ask most grunts how many "trauma worthy" events they saw over there, it won't be 1 or 2 or 12 but a laundry list that most ordinary people would have snapped under the pressure of. And so learning how to deal with just one event or avoiding that one thing that causes the symptoms is not really an option because we would just have to stay in a dark room for the rest of our lives.

To kill or not to kill ISN'T the question:

Another issue that tends to come up with PTSD and psychiatrists is that they think it is all related to killing people. Its difficult, its not the easiest thing in the world, but for me and from what I can tell a lot of other veterans, that really didn't bother us. Killing the enemy was so well programmed into us that it really doesn't phase us much. What is much more relevant in the world of military PTSD is watching your friends die or be wounded. That to me was infinitely more traumatic than killing the enemy. That is where the attention must be paid and we will try to focus there as well.

What PTSD means to me:

It is the fall out of something that allowed me to survive. Many of the PTSD like responses I feel are reactions that my body has to prepare me to fight. My heart rate jumps through my neck, my eyes dart from here to there searching for threats, and the strangest off all I am furious. All of these things would in combat allow me to survive but now I come back and they have no place in the society I live and make the other parts of living with what happened over there just that much harder.

The anatomy of PTSD is actually very interesting.

WARNING SCIENCE CONTENT: Part of your brain called the amygdalla actually grows as a result of traumatic stress. What it does is link your bad memories to autnomic nervous system (big string of words for where the adrenaline is). What the amygdalla was for back in cave man times was to associate bad experiences with needing to survive. For example, Cave man Bob saw his mom get eaten by a saber tooth tiger. This bad memory would get stored in his peanut. The next time Cave Man Bob sees a saber tooth tiger, his body will automatically dump adrenaline and spike his heart beat thanks to the amygdalla, drawing from the memory and interpreting it as a threat. So in our brains after so much trauma, our amygdallae are on steroids and interpret everything as threat. So who cares, right? One of the best things someone dealing with PTSD is to figure out what it is that makes it tick. More on this later. The picture is of where in the brain your amygdalla is, if your are curious look into what is called your limbic system and this will cast a little more light on the subject.

What happens if I just act like its not there:

If you watch the news and live on this planet, you probably know the military is having a suicide epidemic.This site is a product of that. Also, alcohol, cigarettes, and drugs are being used and abused in more frequency than in recent decades in the military. Can you guess when the last time substance abuse was this bad? Its a little worse than the Gulf War era and a little better than the Vietnam era. If you pretend like it doesn't exist and you are perfectly fine, you could be setting yourself up to either slowly drink yourself to death or to do something tragic like take your own life. So listen up and own up to what's going on in your head. It doesn't make you weak, the most decorated soldier of WWII Audie Murphy was a prominent voice of those who suffered from PTSD. He had more medals than us all and suffered for every one of them.

Conclusion:

So to sum up our long definition, its a series of emotional, mental, and physical responses that are triggered by sights, sounds, thoughts, and memories of what went on over there. It is not just a singular event but sometimes a complex system of difficult events sometimes spread across several year's time. It is something that is not just limited to sadness and fear but can and often does include anger, hate, and blood lust. It is not just a mental and emotional thing but also a physical change in your brain as a whole. This is what we will focus on learning how to overcome.

The Idea

2010-02-24T09:03:00.000-06:00

   On the heels of losing another soldier I served with I have decided its time to try to do something about it. Soldier's dying in combat happens, its horrible, its hard, but its reality. Losing military service members when they are back stateside, either to suicide or drinking themselves to death, is unacceptable. We as fellow service members should not stand idly by and let this happen. We the ones who made it out, came back, had the issues but have somehow learned to cope or overcome, shouldn't sit there quietly and let this happen to the ones that are struggling. So the Idea has begun to hatch.
   Create a place for Soldiers, Sailors, Marines, Airmen and the Coast Guard to openly talk about the things we saw over there and during the course of our duties and what it did to us mentally and emotionally when we got back. This is an incredibly taboo thing. We as grunts are taught to be self-sufficient and resilient. We often consider ourselves to be 10 feet tall & bulletproof and when faced with something of the emotional magnitude of losing buddies, seeing the carnage, and dealing with that day in and day out fear, we tend to bury it or drown it in alcohol. This is made blatantly obvious by the sky-rocketing suicide rate. But I am not just wanting the horror stories, I want to know how we have gotten over living through that and how we coped when we got back, so that others may learn from our success.
   Common problems and why I think this might be helpful. First off, we all know that getting help in todays military is getting "easier". We all still know that going to get professional help can cause a whole mess of headaches with the chain of command. It is harder still for we as service members to swallow our pride and admit we can't handle it on our own. Second, sometimes the help you do get ain't worth the time you spent driving to it. Now if you are seriously considering suicide or having ideation go get the professional help. If you just want to be able to breathe in a crowd, the brown paper bag full of anti-anxiety meds they throw at you is not always what you are looking for. Frankly, the head shrinkers don't get it. Its no fault of their own but most have never pulled a trigger, heard the whistle of a rocket, felt the heat off an IED, or can even imagine what its like to lose brothers and sisters. Beyond that they have never experienced that crazy half panic half murderous rage feeling that a lot of us get the first time we walk through a shopping mall again or woke up from a nightmare that had you reliving that trauma again and again.
   So if we can't get the advice we want from somebody thats never been there who better to ask than those who have. We need to spread the communication and knowledge between us all. We need tactics, strategys, field-craft not the junk out of the field manual of "How to make grunts shut up about what they are going through" but real tangible ways of overcoming not just the trauma but also what combat turns you into. So I turn to you, the veterans reading this, I want stories, tactics, ideas, problems, thoughts, and opinions. Answering questions like, How did you tackle the issue? What was it that was bugging you? Any tricks for coping? Are there things that trigger memories, like smells or sounds? Just throw something up here and we will try to make it into topics, so service members have a place to go. Either post a comment or email me if you want it anonymous, make sure you give me a contact email so I can get with you if I need to, to make sure the message gets across.
   I know this seems a little wishful thinking, but imagine that if what you had to say helped save a service member's life. You'd run under fire to save him, can't you type a few words of how you learned to deal to save him too? Once you do that, spread the word, the guys still in give it to your subordinates, spread it to your buddies, post it on your Facebook and Myspace. If we manage to help just one person it was a worth-while effort. Please Contribute. In memory of Brent Sims.

While we Prepare for Firecrackers

2009-07-02T09:40:00.005-05:00

This is something I wrote while I was still deployed in Baghdad Jan 23, 2008. I thought it fitting as everyone gets ready for the fourth of July.

"AHHH it hurts, it hurts" still burns in my ears something a good friend, someon's son, someone's husband, and someone's father said over the radio. He didn't mean to say over the radio but it was broke and it sent a message that will forever chill my blood to a freeze. I remember running from my truck, knowing I was fully exposed for a clean shot, but at that point it was a big fuck it on my list of things I was worried about. I made to the truck and saw a kid, 19 years old being pulled out of the humvee gritting his teeth and taking the pain a hell of alot better than I think I would have. Everyone worked quickly together and we were out of there in no time. Off to get them to a hospital. You might think to yourself wow, that was pretty brave....but what I did was nothing compared to what every man out there did.... there is no feeling like the worry that consumes you when a friend a brother or sister is hit, its a courage bordering on self destructive and it is the greatest gift a soldier can get."Courage is being the only one that knows you are terrified"
Words that echo in my head everytime something rough happens out here. When I say rough for most of you civi's thats something beyond your imaginations capability of thinking about. Typically a truck full of your closest friends is on fire and a kid you consider a younger brother is prolly bleeding, and for me most of the time I have already convinced myself that it is my fault, because I ran lead truck most of the time and I was supposed to spot the IED's.
So I would bail out of my truck and run, full gear and weapon a 100lbs of stuff all that shit felt like nothing, because I am terrified.... not for myself but terrified for the kid thats back there clenching his teeth doing his best to be tough for the team even though he has a chunk of smoldering metal in him or a leg is gone or he is bleeding profusely... but still he doesn't want to freak us out so he clenches his teeth and grabs for a hand to squeeze, terrified that its my fault.
When I was 17 I thought courage was running under gun fire and taking it to the enemy. When I was 19 after afghanistan I thought courage was going back into harm's way again At 21 courage is all about how far are you willing to go to save another life. When everything is going to shit and bullets and rockets, blood and guts are flying all around, in that moment can you honestly say that man or woman is more important than my miserable life and I will risk everything to give them a chance at making it.
There is a saying from WW2, "When uncommon valor was a common value" it applies today as much as it did then. The men and women in uniform today are among the strongest warriors ever to grace this planet. But they are made of kids for the most part. Brave, self-less kids, they don't always show it and some you would never guess they had it in them but they will leave you with your jaw on the floor when it really counts. Its an honor to even be counted in the ranks.
But the ranks are only one place where the military and patriotic courage comes from. There are thousands of people that are members of the silent ranks. The wives, husbands, fathers, mothers, sons and daughters and friends, that worry constantly as their loved one is out here doing what I have mentioned above. They to me have the hardest job of all, waitng ... praying before every telephone call from an unknown number, fearing everytime someone knocks at the door... cause maybe it might be the military messenger coming to tell them that their hero fell. And not to worry that that soldier will surely find his way to heaven cause he has done his time in hell.
So for those of you civi's that knew nothing of this struggle that goes on behind CNN, I hope it was informational and some what inspirational. For those in uniform, keep kicking ass keep your head down and never let your brothers down, for those in the silent ranks, keep doing what you do without you all the muscle in the military doesn't matter because you have our heart. One last thought, Courage comes in many forms but only as many as there are forms of love. Unconditional love (towards like your kids), agape, love your significant other, eros but most of the time courage between soldiers comes from phileo, brotherly love... but all types of love can inspire deep courage.

Jolly Roger 7

Desert Life

2009-07-01T10:16:00.002-05:00

This Ain't CNN

Jolly Roger 7's Favorite pics from his second trip to the Desert.